Pushed as Far as I Can Go
by tlgirl
Summary: Pacey comes back looking for Joey after a summer in Paradise but walks in on an unpleasant scene. He commits suicide (read on to find out how and why!). At his funeral, people stop by to pay their respects to our misguided hero.
1. Prologue - Breathe

**"Pushed as Far as I Can Go"**  
by: **tlgirl**

  
  


**Prologue - Breathe**

  
  
**Rating**: PG  
**Category**: other  
**Disclaimer**: blah blah blah . . . I don't own anything . . . you know the drill.  
**Author's Notes**: This is another tragic fic. If you're in a good mood, don't read this. I've already warned you. I use music lyrics in my fics a lot. Read the lyrics and the story carefully, they relate to each other. Please send feedback! I'm pretty new at this fan fic stuff. You have no idea how appreciated an e-mail that simply says "good job" is. If you want more of this particular fic, send me feedback - it helps me stay motivated. Plus it's nice to know that someone is reading my work. e-mail: tlgirl2@hotmail.com  
**Summary**: Basically, just ignore the summer diaries + season 5 and you'll be fine. Pacey still goes off to paradise, the "Coda" episode was not ignored *hint*. He comes back looking for Joey but walks in on an unpleasant scene. Pacey commits suicide (read on to find out how and why!). At his funeral, a wide array of characters stop by to pay their respects to our misguided hero. Each chapter is a different person saying goodbye to him, everyone - from the show regulars (Jack, Jen, Dawson, Joey) to the lesser characters (Drue, Tamara, Will Crudski, Gretchen, Doug, Sheriff Witter, Buzz, etc.) will be in this fic. Read the song lyrics and the story carefully, they relate to each other.  
  


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It had been a summer away from family, away from friends, away from her.  
  
He had to see her. He just had to. After endless nights of staring at the stars thinking about her, he just had to see her. As much as he wanted to fight it, fight the feelings that would ultimately result in his self-destruction - his love was too strong. Late at night, he could hear her voice in the air, he could feel her touch on his skin in the breeze, and he could see her face in the water - his true love. He was a fool for loving her, but he was a fool for giving her up.  
  


* * *

  
  
_After a few minutes debating, he finally knocked on the door. A part of him wanted to run away and never look back but he stayed glued to his position. He must have looked like a mess - his Hawaiian shirt and khaki pants clung to his chiseled and newly tanned body, wet from the pouring rain. A shiver ran down his back as he stood outside in the middle of a raging storm and the biting cold without so much as a jacket on. "It's okay, if all goes well, she'll be warming me up tonight," he thought to himself as a let out a chuckle.  
  
He braced himself as the door slowly opened. She dropped the piece of paper she was holding in her hand. She was obviously surprised as she opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He just stood there, and flashed a smile, the smile that made her melt. "Hey."  
  
After realizing that he really was there, that this moment wasn't a figment of her imagination, that he was reality; she returned his smile. Flashing him her trademark crooked grin.  
  
They both just stood there grinning madly at each other, neither wanting to make the first move. A passer by would undoubtedly call them two fools in love.  
  
Their connection was broken when someone walked up behind her. He was rubbing his damp blond hair vigorously with a towel. He looked up and also reacted with a surprised expression. He took a moment to compose himself, "How long have you been back? It's nice of you to stop by **our** apartment," he smirked as he emphasized the word "our."  
  
"Wait, no, it's not what it looks like! Don't leave me . . . again!" she screamed as her visitor turned around and began to walk away.  
  
"Just shut up!" he screamed after her. He couldn't breathe. There was a pain in his chest a pain that hit so hard and so fast, he couldn't walk straight. Maybe the pain was his heart breaking, all he knew was that he couldn't breathe._  
  


* * *

  
  
He was on his way back to the harbor until he realized that he didn't have a boat to sail away on anymore. But still, he needed to where his true love was - the ocean. A ridge was coming up. He knew it was there, he saw it coming, yet he didn't stop. He saw the water, sparkling by the light of the moon, and he saw freedom. Freedom from the feelings that would plague him for the rest of his life, freedom from her power over him.  
  
The icy cold water hit his body like a thousand knives. After a few moments, it all went black.  
  
He was free, and he could finally breathe.  
  


_____________________________________________________________

  
  


**One Step Closer  
By: Linkin Park**  
  
_I cannot take this anymore  
I'm saying everything I've said before  
All these words they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Less I hear the less you'll say  
But you'll find that out anyway  
  
Chorus:  
Just like before...  
Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
  
I find the answers aren't so clear  
Wish I could find a way to disappear  
All these thoughts they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Nothing seems to go away  
Over and over again  
  
Repeat Chorus  
  
Shut up when I'm talking to you  
Shut up, shut up, shut up (x2)  
  
I'm about to break!  
  
Repeat Chorus_


	2. Remember You (Jen)

**"Pushed as Far as I Can Go"**  
by: **tlgirl**

  
  


**Chapter 1 - Remember You**

  
  
**Rating**: PG  
**Category**: other  
**Disclaimer**: blah blah blah . . . I don't own anything . . . you know the drill.  
**Author's Notes**: I'm so sorry! I've been neglecting this fic forever. How long has it been since I wrote the prologue? Five months? Yeah I know. I apologize. The inspiration just wasn't there anymore. Season 5 is a huge disappointment. The writers wont even acknowledge that Pacey and Joey had a relationship at all. I'm this close to giving of on the show. I now realize how much Dawson's Creek really sucks. *sigh* Season 3 - now that was a worthwhile season. So I guess I dedicate this chapter to the glory that was Season 3. Don't give up PJers! The writers are stupid and blind idiots but keep the Pacey and Joey Pride Alive!  
**Summary**: Ok, here's the deal. I don't feel like writing a million chapters for each of the characters on the show. So now all the goodbyes you'll read are from: Jen, Jack, Mr. Witter, Andie, Dawson, Joey, and an Epilogue. So that means seven more chapters of this baby and that's it.  
  


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**_Jen_**

  
  
Do you know how stupid you are, Pacey? What a stupid thing you did? You've done your share of outrageous and foolish decisions but never would I have thought that you would . . . you would do what you did.  
  
I was so happy when I saw you at my doorstep. We were all so worried. I was afraid that we might never see you again. And when I saw you there, tanned and all muscled up, it gave me hope that things could work out between you and Joey.  
  
I just didn't think that you were so eager to see her. There you were talking excitedly about your big adventure out at sea. You told me all the beautiful places you visited. And you told me how all those places didn't compare to Joey. You looked so happy to finally realize how much she meant to you. You looked like an anxious little boy on Christmas morning. How could I tell you that Dawson was in town visiting her? How could I crush your hopes? I couldn't. At the time, I thought that it wasn't my place. Joey should be the one to tell you. I had already caused damage when I accidentally spilled the beans about you and Joey to Dawson a year ago. What a mess that turned out to be. It wasn't my place, or so I thought at the time. Maybe if I had made an excuse about the storm or something, anything to prevent you from going out there and _killing_ yourself.  
  
And before I could think twice about telling you, you asked to borrow my car and and you sped off without even saying goodbye. I don't even want to think about what happened after that.  
  
You were always the strong one in our group of friends. You always stayed true to yourself and you didn't take shit from anybody. You were the one who was the most grounded and we always depended on you.  
  
What I am grateful for though, is my last memory of you. Your eyes lit up and were dancing. There was laughter in your voice and life in your soul. That's how I want to remember you. Not as some cold, lifeless corpse in a coffin.  
  
But just know Pacey that you'll forever be in my heart. And I promise that I'll always remember you.  
  


**TBC**

  
  


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**"I Will Remember You"  
by: Sarah McLachlan**  
  
_I will remember you, will you remember me?  
don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories  
  
Remember the good times that we had?   
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
how clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one  
  
I will remember you, will you remember me?  
don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories  
  
I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
it's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
we are screaming inside, but we can't be heard  
  
but I will remember you, will you remember me?  
don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories  
  
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light  
  
And I will remember you, will you remember me?  
don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories  
  
And I will remember you...  
  
Weep not for the memories_


End file.
